Where should you go next?

For the luxurious traveller who simply asks “where next?” it can be a case of looking for the cheapest flight and getting on it, or spinning a model globe and placing your finger down (although that has gone slightly out of fashion since the guy in that film the Last King of Scotland ended up nearly getting killed in Uganda). However, the world is really, really big so the cheap flight trick only works within the same continent and the globe spinning trick is problematic because statistically you are more likely to end up in the middle of an ocean.

This article is about how and when in life to choose where to go globally. Many of us will only ever get one chance to go to certain places, and getting the most out of that once in a lifetime visit is all about timing.

In my opinion, there are two main parameters: age and relationship status.

There is a direct link between age and relationship status, so the two play into each other quite a lot. This little discussion will take place by throwing out destinations and exploring when they may be best to visit, but first it is necessary to establish a few things implied or necessitated by certain ages and relationship statuses.

Implications of age and relationship status (blue)

0-6: You may as well be just a piece of material with the cognitive ability of a potato, so it literally makes no difference where you go. You wouldn’t notice the difference between a helicopter ride across the Grand Canyon and a bumpy pram ride through Doncaster.

7-12: At least you’ll remember places you go, but your appreciation for anything will be framed around gift shops, so once again largely irrelevant.

13-16: REBELLION. With a soundtrack constantly pumping through your headphones as your parents try to explain the significance of the Sistine Chapel, your destinations will still all mainly blur into one. If you are lucky enough to go on a beach holiday, you will probably do a lot of staring. At this point you may purport to have a boy/girlfriend, this is ridiculous, it won’t last, break up with them right now. Stare at whoever you want. Try and wear sunglasses when you do it.

17-22: Ultimately, the main point of any holidays you go on here will be to get as much action as humanly possible. You probably have a limited budget, will be open to trying illegal new things and will want to visit somewhere photo friendly because remember, a holiday isn’t a holiday if you haven’t bragged about it on Facebook! Seriously, it doesn’t count. You may as well have not even gone. If you are single, everything above will stand. If you are in a relationship, everything above will still probably stand.

23-28: Gaining cultural insights, going further afield, but still with a pretty tight budget. This is the moment for full on adventure. You can take care of yourself, of others, and you are comfortable both in groups and in your own company. The Facebook thing still applies, don’t kid yourself. If you are single, you will want to drink and dance til sunrise. If you are in a relationship, you will want to take photos in front of really great sunsets. Sunrise and sunset, that’s really the only difference.

29-35: Last chance saloon pre-kids! Budget is looking pretty healthy, you’re young enough to understand how not to get completely ripped off but old enough to understand how to interact with foreign strangers without coming across like an xenophobic dick. Singletons will be able to really branch out on great trips to the exotic destinations of their choice. Doubletons will combine financial forces and be able to achieve more. It’s just a good time to travel whoever you are.

36-55: I’m kind of assuming this section is where you have babies and have to take care of them and can ultimately cart them around wherever you want but they always have to come with. Your budget will fluctuate depending on how many iPads your kid spills water on, and your ambition for scope of destinations will probably increase towards the latter stage of this range. If you aren’t married with babies then I’m not sure what happens in this age slot, I haven’t got there yet.

56-70: Now you can go away without the kids, but they are still there, sometimes you want them with you, sometimes you don’t. Here is where you can explore the places you missed out on in your twenties because at that point in time there was a civil war/evil dictatorship/it didn’t exist yet. Possibly your last chance to do active things. Budget looking pretty good, the world is your oyster (although you heard on This Morning that oysters can give you terrible food poisoning).

71-85: Budget – phenomenal. Physical ability – less good. One word: Cruises.

86-100: I mean if you are currently below 50 years old, I would hope by the time you are in this age bracket we’ll be getting Easyjet to Mars, or at least the Moon. If not then fuck it, just go to Iceland, it basically looks the same. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

So what does this mean for where to actually go? Below is a list of destinations, their characteristics and using both the above implications list and the characteristics of the destination, the optimum age at which to visit. Note that this list:

a) consists of just a handful of examples of popular “big” trips from a variety of regions; b) purposely ignores some universally-regarded ‘top global destinations’ because places like London, New York and Paris have everything, for everyone, all the time; c) is a guide to what I perceive as optimum – ultimately, anyone can visit anywhere at any age and with or without anyone. Except cruises. Young people should not go on cruises.

Japan: Expensive land of pure insanity. Fancy dress, flashing lights and loads of raw fish will be the order of the day, but having the best time here requires more than a gap year budget. Also not a land of solo backpackers or backpackers at all, really, and with nobody there speaking anything other than Japanese, you might want some familiar company. Best to go when you are 29-35 and ideally in a couple.

A Caribbean Cruise: No need for mobility, planning or frugal budgeting. Cruises were invented for old people, or maybe old people were invented for cruises. Nobody can remember. Over 70’s only.

Egypt: Not exactly known as a party destination, I’m thinking more Cairo and the Pyramids than Sharm El Sheikh for this particular trip. Markets, ancient ruins and surrounded by more tourist traps than Indiana Jones, this will require planning, an astute budget and some cultural awareness. Go when you are anywhere between 29-70, there are better places for you youngsters and old people melt when it gets too hot. Probably good for a family holiday although you will have to buy your kids a load of crappy souvenirs from the Souk.

Colombia: Dancing, beautiful women and slightly short, badly dressed men makes for an interesting dynamic. Not expensive and has lots of backpackers without being chaotically faux-Western, this is the kind of place where you should embrace the hedonism but youthful naivety and a lack of travelling nous could get you in a lot of trouble. Baking flour, anyone? Ideal when you are 23-28, doesn’t matter if you are in a couple because there are lots of romantic settings and opportunities. Just make sure that is one secure relationship and do not even think about letting your boyfriend go alone.

Ibiza: Party. Expensive. Chaos. Please only go when you are under 35 and I get the feeling it could be a bad idea to be in a relationship. I reckon it suits being over 23 too, since this is slightly more of a budget breaker than other top clubbing destinations like Mykonos, Magaluf or Oceana Watford.

Buenos Aires: This is one of those places that is nearly in the “go whenever you like” category but by virtue of its overt romanticism, rich culture and insane super clubs, this suits two demographics perfectly: 17-22 year olds who are single/23-28 year olds single or in a relationship, and 56-70 year olds. It has the organisation and tourist-savvy infrastructure to cater for people who SPEAK. LIKE. THIS. TO. FOREIGN. PEOPLE, with a very high end sector of hotels and restaurants. It is also a decent introduction for a newbie traveller due to the large number of backpackers and Western familiarity in its aesthetic. It is full of beautiful people, beautiful settings and beautiful temptation, and the favourable exchange rate to basically any currency that isn’t monopoly money means budget-concious youngsters can still make the most of it.

East Coast of Australia: There is an inverse relationship between the amount of culture and the amount of sand. Surfing, check. Drinking weird four litre boxes of wine with traces of fish in them, check. Lying around doing very little for very much $, check. The east coast is hedonism, relaxation and backpacker heaven. It couldn’t be easier to travel up and down it, the only real danger being Cassowaries, these giant wild ostrich creatures with blue heads, red eyes and the sharpest toenails on earth. Seriously, watch the fuck out for Cassowaries. Perfect for 17-22 year olds, decent for 23-28 year olds but you may wish you had spent your money on something slightly more diverse. You work out for yourself if this suits being in a relationship. Beaches and alcohol.

Scandinavia: Obviously there are cruises that go here, in which case you have to be over 70 again, you know the rule! But for a casual holiday it is very easy to drive or get trains around this region – as long as you are A BILLIONAIRE. Expensive is an understatement when a Big Mac in Oslo costs the equivalent of nine euros, although you will probably be eating their slightly shitty local food instead. They think their parties are really great but their best night out equates in Rio de Janeiro to a fairly raucous library. This is the 56-70 demographic dream destination with clean, crimeless streets and orderly, polite citizens. They will taste the Swedish cardboard that they call bread and appreciate it as a unique cultural experience. They will have an overpriced and sugar-coated guided tour of Christiania in Copenhagen where they pay money for a hilarious fake passport stamp. They will come back with the craziest story of how it was only light in Helsinki for three hours per day, seeing it as an endearing novelty rather than fucking depressing. And this is all perfect for them. Don’t even bother going if you are under 23 unless you are a dot com rich kid, in which case you have probably already been there to invest in Spotify.

Disneyland: I reckon the only age where you genuinely would not find something to appreciate at Disneyland is 17-22. There isn’t enough alcohol or opportunity for heavy petting (except at the mini zoo of course!). That said, it is a financial black hole so best save it for the kids when you are 36-55 (or if you are eight years old and reading this, then you can go too. Also why are you on the internet? You’re eight!)

Bonus round – India: I went to India when I was 14. I still tell people I went to India, because technically I did. I went on TukTuks, visited temples and mosques, haggled in markets, ignored beggars, stayed in 5* Holiday Inns with rooftop swimming pools and had a security guard. Is this a good destination for a 14 year old? No. I can’t say I appreciated the complexities of the country even slightly as much as I think I would in my mid-twenties or older. But did I get something out of it and have the time of my life? Yes. The moral of the story? Holiday Inns can actually be awesome!

Comments and discussion encouraged below. Where did you go that you wish you had saved for a later time, or wish you had visited earlier? What are you saving for a romantic getaway, and where is imperative to visit before you are tied down?