The Mythical Kingdom of Berlin

Most people been to Berlin so this will be a relatively short article (don’t breathe a sigh of relief too loudly or I’ll hear you from here). This place is basically a mythical kingdom of plaster cast buildings and pumping, incessant techno.

Nothing is real

This pretty much speaks for itself, insofar as the whole place is totally reconstructed. Unlike other destroyed cities such as Rotterdam, however, Berlin has simply rebuilt all the buildings to look exactly how they did before they were destroyed by whoever it was who did the destroying (and believe me, there were a lot of them). Quite why everyone insisted on continually destroying it is beyond me, but what we are left with is a city with as much authenticity as the Small Small World ride at Disneyland. In fact, I’d wager that the ride is even older than Berlin. I have been to theme parks that are legitimately more genuine than Berlin. It makes Lego Land look vintage.

Snow

The snow came and the city continued with life as if nothing had happened. Take note, England.

Smoking

Despite having a smoking ban for several years, it is unavoidable to exit a pub or café without looking like you are a contestant on Stars in your Eyes. The smoke is constant and all-pervading; it gets into your pores, your hair, your clothes and your drink, and decides to hang around for days, outstaying its welcome like Chris Brown at a feminist march.

Bread

They eat bread for literally every meal here. It’s as if they haven’t realised they live in an economic powerhouse these days so can afford some variety of food rather than just bread with a side of bread.

I then went to Hamburg to see if it was the same.